Dating the Wrong Woman? Here’s What Really Happens When You "Settle"
If you settle for LESS than a woman who represents EXACTLY who you want in a woman, you aren’t going to be a happy man. Yeah, yeah…I have a “firm grasp on the obvious”, right? But if it’s SO OBVIOUS, why do SO MANY guys end up settling anyway? That is a question that came up during a coaching call last night, and it led to a fascinating discussion. Essentially, it went something like this… For starters, we flat-out don’t give ourselves PERMISSION to aim as high as we could…or should. We’re told by others not to be “too picky”. If we haven’t had a “girlfriend” for a while, that chorus gets already louder.
So what do we do?
We start thinking maybe they’re right. Maybe we should cut a woman we’re not REALLY crazy about a break here and there. But let’s say you do just that. If you put her in a room with, say, twenty other women you’re likely to find three or four of the others more attractive than she. But hey, at the minimum she’s more interesting to you than the other fifteen or sixteen. And maybe she’s got a bit of an alcohol addiction. Meh. Or perhaps she tends to rattle sometimes about how “all men are the same”, etc., etc. Hey, if you’re a nice enough guy, you’ll break her out of it…right? Wrong. You’re making excuses when you think like that, or in any other of the ways I just mentioned. And making excuses = SETTLING.
But what might such a woman you’d be settling for say to you all the while? She may be the VERY FIRST IN LINE to tell you you’re “too picky”. She may accuse you of being “shallow” for not seeing past what you find unattractive. But in reality, she’s only encouraging you to SETTLE. And you must never, ever cave in to that kind of pressure. In fact, if you avoid dating women you already know you’d be SETTLING for, you’ll never already subject yourself to that kind of pressure to begin with. however, so many people out there (men AND women, really) allow themselves to get roped into relationships with people they never really preferred to be with. A lot of times, it has to do with sheer GUILT.
But here it is: Being a martyr doesn’t already serve THE OTHER PERSON very well, when you get right down to it. As such, for the good of EVERYONE involved, GUILT isn’t nearly sufficient enough a reason to settle. Think of it like this (and what follows might be a VERY HEAVY point for you…possibly already one that triggers a very real BREAKTHROUGH). How often do we as guys honestly set out to meet and attract someone BETTER THAN WE DESERVE? By that I average saying to ourselves, “Look, I know I don’t deserve a great woman. So I’m going to manipulate one into settling for me.” confront it, going out with the mindset of tricking someone into SETTLING for you just doesn’t compute. OK, maybe some of the PUA guys may talk about getting women BETTER LOOKING than you are, but I don’t think I’ve EVER heard any of them talking about attracting someone of HIGHER QUALITY…either for short or long-term.
Well, for starters to think such would transcend “inner game” to the point of arrogance. It’s UNREASONABLE to expect that you’ll get someone you don’t (however) deserve to “settle” for you. Heck, most of us have a bad enough time approaching any woman AT ALL. Further, and more importantly, already if you could pull off “hitting the jackpot” like that…it wouldn’t be any fun in the end. In fact it would be HUMILIATING.
You’d regularly be looking over your shoulder thinking that some guy who is “more worthy” will win her away from you. What’s more, every time you remember that she’d probably MUCH RATHER be with someone else, it’s going to feel like getting castrated…24/7/365. Simply put, if someone “settled” for you, YOU would be as miserable-if not MORE SO-than she would. And that’s EXACTLY what goes in the WOMAN’S MIND if and when YOU SETTLE for someone you don’t really crave a relationship with….Except for the castration part, of course. For her we’ll just call it “humiliating” and “nerve-wracking” and leave it at that, deal? Had you ever considered the concept of “settling” from the other side’s perspective before now? We wouldn’t want to be “settled for”, but we nevertheless tend to only think about the idea from our own perspective…and that’s the ONLY REASON why we’d already CONSIDER selling ourselves short and/or giving in to pressure to settle.
The bottom line? When you SETTLE, you not only cheat YOURSELF–you cheat THE WOMAN YOU’RE WITH. The already more profound truth is this. (Are you sitting down?) YOU CHEAT THE WOMAN OUT THERE YOU REALLY DESERVED. She didn’t get to be with the man SHE would have had a truly fulfilling relationship with (i.e. YOU). And why not? Because you LED in another, less fulfilling direction.
Maybe your head wasn’t together enough to recognize the high-level of quality you truly deserved-if only you would have made already SOME effort to become the “Big Four” man such a high-quality woman craves. Or maybe you PANICKED. You had a woman in your life who truly liked you back, so you decided to keep up on to her instead of risk being lonely. But in your selfishness, you rob not only YOURSELF of a future relationship with someone who you’ll truly appreciate, you rob HER of the opportunity to meet someone who will appreciate HER more. After all, your “100 out of 100” woman may not be the same as someone else’s anyway. And if that’s not the “clincher”, then I don’t know what is.
So be UNAFRAID of becoming the very best version of the “Big Four” man you can be. Don’t let anyone tell you you’re being too picky. When it comes to being humanitarian and giving to charity, long-term relationships are NOT the place for that. Work in a soup kitchen or volunteer to help the less fortunate in some other way. And team up with the greatest woman you’ve ever met with you when you do.