Healing During the Divorce

For some people, the hardest part of going by a divorce is when it becomes a reality. Many couples, in the heat of anger, mention divorce, only to recant and reconcile almost closest. However, there is a time where it becomes real, both parties bring in the lawyers, and living in separate locations is a necessity as communication with one another becomes increasingly more hostile. This time period is sometimes described as the funeral. It is the death of something that one thought would never die and signing the divorce papers is like lowering the coffin into the ground. Reality has set in. Now, what are you to do?

It helps to view this whole ordeal as a funeral. Why? We grieve and hurt the most the first few months and days closest following the event. There are the stages of unbelief, denial, harsh grief, anger and finally, acceptance. No matter what reason you are divorcing for, understand that you are not alone. You are not the first person to experience this pain nor will you be the last.

One of the first things that you must embrace is reality. Its time to wash away the thought of how life was with this person (whether good or bad) and embrace each day a day at a time. Mentally focusing on what could have been will only cause you to sink lower. Think of the new and improved partner you are able to meet one day. Think of the things you can do that you couldnt do at first.

Get revenge by not getting revenge. How does that work? Move on with your life, no matter how hard it seems. Men and women alike are sometimes flattered by persistent phone calls, professions of love and sorrow, etc. You do not need to tell them that they ruined your life. Stop reminding the ex of what you have done for him or her and how you were there when no one else would stand by. They know this and once reality slaps them, you wont have to. But, sometimes reality comes a little later than you want and thats okay. Just know that it is on the way.

Steps You Can Take to Help You With During This Time

1. Change your number. (Make sure its unlisted.) Yeah, its extreme, especially if you have had the number for years. But, know that sometimes, having a way to contact you only opens the door for the ex to suddenly and without warning, call you and cause you to sink down deeper into grief.
2. Stop talking about the ex and what the ex did to you. Sure, it feels comforting at the moment, but it is the same as ripping the scalp off of a healing sore. Allow yourself to heal and forbid your friends from speaking of the ex. Speak about what you want in your future.
3. Extend your education. Finish school, go to college or go back to college. Always look towards self improvement. Show the ex that you are better without them. Dwindling in grief, weight gain and depression only help your former partner feel justified in dumping you. Never give off the impression that you cannot live without this person! You can and you have done it before.
4. If children are involved, never speak negatively of their estranged parent. Reassure them that they are loved and they are not to blame for the increasing rapidly. If the estranged parent is not a danger to the children, do not prohibit him/her from visiting the children. Do it for them!
5. Remove all photos of the ex from the house. Sobbing over your tear soaked photo album only keeps you in the midst of the pain. Come out of it.
6. Get a new hobby.
7. Diet, if you need to. You need to refocus your time and energy on you and your children.
8. Forgiveness. Forgive yourself. at all event you did that helped or caused the marriage to fail is no longer an issue. Just learn from it and commit to never doing it again. Do not allow yourself to be buried in the sea of unforgiveness and grief. It is not a lonely place, but it is surely an unhappy one. Forgive your ex. You cannot move forward if you are living in the past. Rebuild your life on a foundation of forgiveness. You will be amazed at how far this means will take you. If the marriage ended because of an outside source, forgive them in addition.

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